Questions to Ask in a Relationship, by Erin A. Alexander, LPC


Of course, all relationships are not the same. The questions in a new dating relationship are different than the questions you should ask in a serious relationship or a marriage. There are certain questions couples should ask themselves and discuss when planning the future. There are also vitally important questions you should ask yourself when entering a new relationship, or continuing with a difficult relationship.
I’ll include questions to ask before you enter a very committed relationship, questions to ask your new partner and questions you should ask yourself at various stages of a romantic relationship. I’ll put each set of relationship questions in their own category.

Family History Questions  (Some of these questions can actually be “small talk” and some should come up as the relationship progresses).

•Have your parents got along with your former boyfriend or girlfriend?
•How do you get along with your parents?
•Where do you eat your dinners? Dinner table? In front of television?
•What are your health habits? Eating habits? Exercise habits?
•How do you feel about my family?
•What kind of relationship do you want the grandparents to have with our children?
•How often do you want the in-laws to visit?
•Are you interested in having children? When do you want to have children?
•How will having children change our lives? What will we do on vacations?
•How many children do you want to have?
•Are you satisfied with the shared friends we have?
•How much do you want to socialize?
•Will you encourage our children to have hobbies? If so, what hobbies? If so, how will you approach this?
•What are your friendship needs outside our relationship?
•Who keeps your yard mowed and house cleaned?
•How will our house be maintained? How do you want to split chores?
•Will we have a television and/or laptops, etc., in our bedroom?
•Do you like and/or respect my friends?

Career and Finance Questions

Once again, these are questions for a more serious relationship, but they aren’t bad to start bouncing around in conversations after you’ve been dating a little while. Some are more personal than others, but the reaction to such questions should tell a lot about your boyfriend/girlfriend, even if they don’t give a straight answer. Don’t ask too many of these at once, or else you’ll come off looking like you’re obsessed with finances.
•What would you do if you won a million dollar lottery?
•Are you in debt?
•Where do you want to spend your life?
•What’s your dream job?
•How do you see your life in 10 years?
•How much money do you earn?
•Do you want joint bank accounts? Why?
•What are your financial goals? What’s your plan for reaching those goals?
•How many hours do you work a week?
•How ambitious do you consider yourself?
•What is your debt situation?
•What percentage of your income do you spend every payday?
•What are your financial obligations?
•If you or I were offered a lucrative job opportunity in some other region of the country, would you be prepared to move?

Spirituality Questions
To some people in a relationship, there’s no question more important than their new partner’s religious beliefs. You might care less about your life partner’s job or money, so long as he/she is a person of faith and has values or “high morals”.
Others might not be that spiritual or religious. Even then, these are important questions to ask in a relationship. If you see faith and religion as a waste of a good time, but your new boyfriend or girlfriend is deeply religious, you’ll have to deal with faith issues sooner or later. If you get serious about the relationship, the two of you are going to have to learn how to live with one another’s views. It might be better to know from the beginning your basic spiritual incompatibility.
•How does your family spend its favorite holiday?
•Do you consider yourself a spiritual person?
•What are your religious views?
•Do you share my religious views?
•Do you attend church or have other religious commitments?
•How serious is your family about its faith?

Sex and Romance Questions To Ask Your New Partner
There are any number of sexual questions you should ask in a relationship. We have a page or two about “sexual relationship questions”, but I wanted to include a few of the less intrusive questions to ask your new partner. It may seem odd to follow up the religious questions with sex questions, but just about every romantic relationship is going to deal with intimacy and intimate questions at some point. These are some things you just need to know.
•Could you describe your perfect mate?
•Are you interested in a serious relationship?
•Do you think I listen to you and consider your opinions?
•What were the primary reasons you broke up with your last ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend?
•Is there some activity you are not prepared to give up in a marriage?
•How comfortable are you discussing sex?
•Do you consider yourself affectionate?
•How often do you want sex?
•Have you always practiced safe sex?
•Are you comfortable with these questions?

Health Questions You Should Ask Your Partner
There are several health-related questions you should ask in a relationship, too. When asking these questions, you should volunteer your own health information. That way, your new partner will feel the two of you are sharing information, or even talking about your common problems or concerns.
•What is your health history? Your mental health history?
•Do you have current health issues? Are they serious ones and are you proactive about taking care of them?
•Do you have health insurance?

Questions Your Should Ask Yourself in a Relationship
Finally, you need to remember to ask yourself questions about your relationship. When you have “alone time”, you need to occasionally think about your current relationship and sort through your own feelings and opinions about it. Introspection and self-knowledge is important, not only when your relationship is having problems, but when you are deciding whether to take it to that next level. As the saying goes, know yourself. This is essential!
•Do we share common values?
•Do I feel safe with this person? Am I comfortable expressing my feelings?
•How does my partner treat other people?
•Is there something about my boyfriend/girlfriend that I hope to change?
•Do I still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend?
•What do I really want from this relationship? What are my expectations?
•Why do I want to be in this relationship? Is it because I don’t want to be alone?
•Do I respect and like my partner?
•Do the two of us laugh when we’re together? Do I enjoy my time with this person?


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